Fat girl rides bicycle…
My husband and I decided we needed at least one joint activity that isn’t unhealthy (consuming copious amounts of curry fries apparently doesn’t count). The activity we picked was bicycling, so we headed to REI to spend obscene amounts of money (because apparently we can’t do anything without heading to REI and spending obscene amounts of money). And if I was going to start cycling, ass pads were a necessity (my butt does not agree with bicycle seats).
I didn’t want to wear spandex biking shorts (slightly chubby girls in black spandex shorts are not adorable). I was relieved to find that REI sold biking “skorts”. Someone had brilliantly thought to put a “modest” skirt over the padded shorts (yes, they used “modest” in the description). My chubby ass could be comfortably padded without being subjected to spandex bike shorts. Yays!
One of the reviews for the “Terry Flare Bike Skort” had noted that, “I work in downtown in a large, corporate building. Changing into my bike clothes to ride home and getting out of the building in a reasonably modest fashion is important to me. This skort is perfect!” (referring to: http://www.rei.com/product/765407). I was feeling better about my fitness decision already. I went to REI with high hopes for finding some non-ridiculous, non-spandex, ass-padding.
Sadly, the “corporation” the reviewer worked must have had “escort” in its title. When I arrived at REI I was deeply saddened to find that the “skorts” were as form fitting and as spandex as the dreaded shorts (and they were shorter). The brilliant person who decided to put a “modest” skirt over the spandex ass padded shorts had also decided that the skirt should be made out of turquoise spandex, and should not be more than six inches long. Clearly, the intended demographic for these skorts only included cyclist-hookers, teenage rockstars, and sarah palin’s daughters.
My ass (when clad in turquoise spandex) looked like a manatee coated in “electric blueberry” flavored jello. I ended up with a pair of men’s baggy cycling shorts (http://www.rei.com/product/781750). Apparently someone realized that not all bicycling men would want to look like 50-cent hookers with a rainbow bright fettish. So, yeah, I went bicycling this weekend. Maybe if I keep it up for the next year and my ass stops resembling jello, I will buy a turquoise “50-cent-hooker-with-a-rainbow-bright-fettish” bicycling skort to celebrate. Maybe not.
